The Pain Of Following Jesus
This is the third time I am writing this blog post, two times it has deleted, I am tired and I don’t want to write it but there is a fighter spirit in me that is determined to get this message out.
Welcome, my name is Ashley and I struggle on the regular with rejection. Let me take you on a tour of my weedy mind where I constantly have to traverse and make my way through.
Analyze me deeply if you must, but the fact remains that even this close to 40 this problem still rears its ugly head. It doesn’t get me darting for the door as quickly as it used to, but it’s still a deep wound I am asking the Lord to address and heal.
I have been sharing the good, bad and ugly about my life for ten years online. This has afforded me many amazing opportunities for ministry that no one will ever know about and also deep battles and wounds that no one will ever know about either.
Because I pursue my calling and share so much publicly online, it leaves me exposed and I suppose more often than not, easy to judge. Each time I have written this post I have had tears streaming down my cheeks because this hurts me. I hate being misunderstood or judged unfairly. Who couldn’t understand that feeling?
I used to think I was crazy and weird for sensing rejection from people, particularly around what I do, until people I had perceived that from got to really know me and told me that is exactly what they had done. The truth is, I have done that to people as well, that is how I know it’s real and why I fear it.
I see people I value supporting everyone but me and it’s so hard not to take it personally. The Enemy uses it to drive his dagger of lies into my wounded heart that screams, “you are not WORTHY of their support.” As I battle these lies over and over the little girl in me who was never chosen and is always awkward wonders what I have done wrong? It hurts.
We always seem to think that Jesus and all He endured didn’t hurt as badly, but I don’t think that is true at all. He was fully human as we are and it impacted Him deeply.
In Mark 3:20 it says,
“Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. When his family heard what was happening, they tried to take him away. “He’s out of his mind,” they said. But the teachers of religious law who had arrived from Jerusalem said, “He’s possessed by Satan, the prince of demons. That’s where he gets the power to cast out demons.”
Even His family thought He was losing it for following the Lord and doing what He was called to do. The people who claimed to know His own Father’s Word better than anyone else accused Him. This is just one example, Jesus was rejected too.
In Philippians 3:10 it says,
“I want to know Christ--yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,”
The commentary from Barnes Notes on the Bible says this about the above verse,
“And the fellowship of his sufferings - That I may participate in the same kind of sufferings that he endured; that is, that I may in all things be identified with him. Paul wished to be just like his Saviour.
Many are willing to reign with Christ, out they would not be willing to suffer with him; many would be willing to wear a crown of glory like him, but not the crown of thorns; many would be willing to put on the robes of splendor which will be worn in heaven, but not the scarlet robe of contempt and mockery.”
I know this is not the bed of feathers kind of verse, but this is the stuff, you guys. God is calling us to not only use His Word to cheer ourselves up but to become like Him, to be prepared for our eternal purpose, and be made like Christ. We can’t have that resurrection power without the crucified life that proceeds it.
Jesus knows what it’s like to be us, He knows how hard it is and it was for love that He went on. For the love of the Father and for the love of us. Now He is asking the same of us.
Many years ago when I was struggling over this same issue I sat sobbing in my chair at church while we sang worship songs. I wanted so desperately to be seen, known, understood, and loved. As I sat there, in my mind’s eye, I began to imagine Jesus hugging me. How much we need Jesus and His love like this. Sometimes we just need to be still with no agenda and no lessons to be learned and just be with Him to receive His love from Him.
As I sat there I imagined looking up into His eyes and when I did I saw His crown of thorns and the blood falling down His face. I immediately began to sob harder as I felt Him whisper to my heart, “it was hard for me too!”
How dare I compare my suffering to that of Jesus and yet He wasn’t judging me or shaming me but offering me compassion and understanding, because that is what love does. And when you have let the Lord in like this, when you have offered Him your broken pieces over and over again, when you have let His spirit be the balm to your aching soul and let Him breathe life over you again, bring you out of darkness, break your chains and give you the beauty in exchange for your ashes, you are ruined for anything less for life.
Nothing but He will do. Nothing but His love, walking in intimacy with Him, seeking Him no matter how bad it hurts and how much we have to face, we press on and press through, because we are in love, and that is what love does.
Whatever you’re facing again today, whatever is jabbing your vulnerable heart, let Jesus minister to you therefrom a place that knows what pain is. He is the answer that we so desperately need.
We are all in Lord, no matter the battles we face because you are worthy.
