WHEN GOD SAYS NO

There are times and seasons in life that are just simply nothing but painful and confusing.

We can’t help but ask ourselves if God is good, why is He allowing this?

On a snowy January 1st in Denver, I decided this was a time of change. Things had been so hard and felt as though we as a family were being beaten up one side and down the other. I wanted January to be the indicator that the chapter was changing, that this was a new beginning. I wrote out my goals and reflected on my time meeting with a counselor the last few months which had been so helpful to help me deal with the deep-seated pain and resentment I held about my unfair situation.

My youngest was 5 months old and my oldest was about to turn 4. I chose the word for that year to be “listen” full of expectation to hear new and life-changing things from the Lord. I was on the launch team for Sheila Walsh’s new book at that time, The Storm Inside, the irony was not lost on me and one of the first things I was going to do was work out on the first day of this new year.

In my oldest and most raggedy pajamas, no shoes, and the messy room I popped on my workout video. I had considered stomping through the snow for my first workout but thought I might fall on the ice and so decided against it. I was proud of myself as I listened to an audiobook and started my lunges at the same time, multi-tasking at its best.

I stepped back into a lunge and didn’t notice the baby blanket under my foot as I stepped on it my knee twisted and I fell to the ground. I was in agonizing pain and my knee cap was stuck on the outside of my leg. I screamed and Daniel ran in to see what had happened and would soon after call 911.

Soon the fireman and paramedics were standing over me. I thought they might be able to fix it right there, but that wasn’t the case. Instead, they had to carry me down 52 steps from our third-story condo in my jammies that I should have thrown out 5 years ago. Every jostle and movement gave me excruciating pain and I screamed with every single step.

Lord, why?

I rode to the hospital in an ambulance we certainly didn’t have money to pay for. They put me under and reset it and we made our way back home. This was not the way I had envisioned starting my year.

The next day my parents came over to help me with the kids and make food as I hobbled around on crutches. That night I laid in bed and read more of the Storm Inside underlining sentences that resonated about trusting God in the hardest and most painful moments, how Jesus didn’t want to just bring us healing, but to make us whole.

As I rolled out to the edge of the bed to get up, pop. Off went my knee again. Are you kidding me? NO! More screaming and Daniel coming in.

This couldn’t happen again. What do we do? Why would the Lord allow this? I prayed He would fix it, please fix it, Lord. But He said no. My mom and dad were on their way home from their Bible study and came by to stay with the kids as we once again called 911.

As they rolled me out on the gurney, again, I looked at my dad sitting in the living room helpless. The thought passed through my head that if he had the power to fix my knee and get me out of pain, he would have. So why didn’t my heavenly Father?

This time I knew what I was in for, 52 steps, screaming, an ambulance. As the door swung shut I couldn’t help but wonder about the word I had chosen for this year, only 2 days deep.

“Listen, listen to what?” I thought to myself.

But it was in those moments after that, with all the disillusionment I had collected in my heart and hands of why my life was unfair and why I was frustrated God hadn’t fixed it, I felt God speak so strongly in my spirit.

“Ashley, you are going to walk through this hell either way. You have a choice. You can walk through it with me or without me.”

Although I knew He would never leave me, I had been pushing Him away. Disappointment over how things are supposed to be and how they are supposed to go might hurt more than outright pain.

But at this point I had come too far with Jesus. Although it hurt me that He said no and it hurt that I didn’t understand why, I would rather walk through it with Him.

We all come to this point in our lives. Either God is good despite what we see or He is not. We are either going to believe His heart for us is sill loving, or we will push Him away.

John the Baptist knew this pain. His entire life was living for and preparing the way of Jesus. He was put in jail for speaking truth, doing what was right, and even when Jesus could have saved him, He didn’t.

Jesus Himself knew this pain. He cried out in the garden of Gethsemane that if there was any way that God could take this cup from Him that He would. God said no.

He didn’t stop loving John, He didn’t leave Jesus because He was mean, and the same is for us.

God understands what we don’t. He also knows how to make a universe and breath life into dust. We don’t demand to know how He does that, but yet when it comes to our pain we stand with ultimatums.

“Lord, either you do this or I am out. This hurts too bad to stay.”

But God sees the bigger picture. He sees a plan we can’t see. He is sovereign and when we are standing with our broken hearts in our hands, we have to remember who He is and fight the lies that He has forgotten us.

One of my favorite songs is “Thy Will Be Done” by Hillary Scott.

“I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store”

God didn’t promise that we would understand or that it would all feel good but that it would all work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. We have to stick around long enough to see that work happen.

If God is saying no to you in your life right now, I am sorry. I know it hurts so bad and maybe more than you fear that no, you fear your broken heart over a God you have loved and served for a long time that has seemed to let you down.

Let me speak to your broken heart…He is still there. He still sees. He is still for you. He is love. He can be nothing but loving. It’s OK to be honest about how you feel but don’t let it be a place you choose to live but rather just pass through.

Stir your faith again, God may have said no, but He is not done.